I am.

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I am tired.
I have been many things:
happy
heartbroken
betrayed
trusting
angry
nervous
broken
excited
adamant
unresponsive
or nothing at all.

I am many things.
Poor
Content
Learning
Fortunate
Friendly
Employed
Insecure
Unsure
Lost
Loud
Saved
a human being.

But for now, I am tired.
I am tired of being a bandage.
I am tired of being unsure.
I am tired of my lack of confidence.
I am tired of my blindness.
I am tired of being let down.
I am tired of letting others down.
I am tired of being the worrier.
I am tired of learning the hard way.
I am tired of being proven wrong.
I am tired.

I wish I could have confidence.
I wish I could be a permanent solution.
I wish I could.

but for now, I am tired.

No Going Back

My mother has always been the bearer of bad news.
but no matter how dark the news is, she bears it with such grace and love, 
the first thought to push through the screaming and wailing in my mind is

“I love you.”

So when I heard my mother bear news with sadness that had latched onto her very bones, 
I broke. I wept. 
She stood, with tears in her eyes, at more funerals than I can number on both of my hands, 
but never let a tear fall. 
So when I heard her, 1,209 miles away, gasp for air in between sobs,
I knew it was different. 
She was different. 
I was different. 
Our family was changing. 
And there was no going back.

Like clockwork

I woke up at 2:30,

My eyes slowly taking in the soft glow from the street lamp outside of my window.

I listened to my breathing

*inhale*exhale*

My heart skipped a beat.

I don’t know why.

Or maybe I do, deep inside,

But I ignore the reason.

The same as I ignore the slight chill

That settles on my naked torso,

Where I pushed the covers away in my sleep.

I roll on my back, shutting my eyes,

But the room just starts spinning.

I haven’t been able to sleep since.

Lying awake at 3am.

Like clockwork.

Every night.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Like clockwork.