Exhaustion

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Exhaustion hits me like a pendulum:
Appearing, fading, reappearing, fading.
A never-ending cycle.
Melting away with company,
Reappearing with loneliness.
A revolving door,
A Nascar track.

They tell you
“keep going forward.”
“You’re on the right track.”
But they don’t see the left turn
And the next one.
And the next.
The territory I travel is well-worn and familiar,
The grooves on a record
The lanes on a track.
A pattern.

Life is made of patterns.
Life is exhausting.
But it depends on the company we keep, what we do with those things.

photo credit to: http://awelltraveledwoman.tumblr.com/post/88957105726

Touch

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I am a coward.
I hide behind pages and bindings and ink.
I speak in other’s words, because mine are too vulnerable.
Made of blown glass, they shake under the slightest look.
I can’t imagine how they’d shatter under someone’s touch.

I am a coward.
I hide behind the delete key.
It was a faulty connection.
Blame the internet every time.
I depend on crutches to speak my mind:
Jack
Jim
Johnny Blue
Johnny Black.
I’m a puppet in their influence.
Only then am I brave enough to touch.

I am a coward.
I can hide behind makeup, clothes, a smile.
I can wear my costume day or night.
I can be someone I’m not.
I am able to slip into the background unnoticed.

I am a coward

Triumph

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It’s the little things in life we should be thankful for.
We might not like the color of our eyes
– how their brown color isn’t remarkable or memorable
– how they need the assistance of contacts or glasses to fully function
But they can see.
We might not like our laugh
– how you lose control and snort
– how it seems a bit too loud for everyone else
But you have reason to laugh in your life.
It’s the little things in life-
Those come-to-Jesus moments, where everything seems fresher and newer.
Those quiet evenings of just you and a book.
A rainy day alone.
New friends.
Old friends.
Realizing that your brown eyes might not be that bad.
Accepting your laugh for the weird noise that it is- unique to only you.
It’s the little things in life-
Driving with the sunroof open and radio up.
Getting lost while walking home and finding a new bar.
Befriending your downstairs neighbors.
Watching the subset alone, just because you can.
It’s the little things.

Grinding Gears

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Keys in the ignition.
Mirrors.
Clutch.
Brake.
Turn keys-engine.
E-brake.
Gas.
Inhale, exhale.
Nowhere to go but forward.
Look behind you, but don’t dwell on the past.
Focus forwards, where you want to be.
Clutch-shift.
Second gear.
Faster, gaining momentum.
Make your lists.
Plot your course.
Exhale.
It’s okay to be nervous.
Clutch-shift.
Third gear.
Don’t slow down.
Keep going.
Things are falling into place.
The gas tank is full.
Highway is approaching.
Steel yourself for the inevitable.
No distractions.
Clutch-shift.
Fourth gear.
Faster, faster.
Pass some.
Get passed by some.
Everyone’s pace is different.
Everyone has their own style.
Automatics tend to be impatient, less focused.
Sticks are patient, aware.
There are four different things running through your mind- running parallel.
Mirrors.
Speed.
Clutch.
Gas.
Fifth Gear- overdrive.
Full speed ahead.
Some cars seem like they’re standing still.
Others still pass.
Inhale, exhale.
Focus.
It’s your car. Your trip.
Mile markers increase in number.
Roll the window down.
Relax.
Exhale.
Roll your shoulders.
Turn the radio up.
You love this song.
Sing.
Laugh.
Smile.
It’s just you & the highway.
Lose yourself in the zone.
The wind whistles past the window.
The engine purrs like a content housecat.
You’re driving.
You’re in control.
Mirrors- just for good measure.
Gas-check.
*DESTINATION AHEAD*
Clutch-brake-shift.
Back to fourth.
Clutch-brake-shift.
Third.
Clutch-brake-shift.
Second.
Clutch-brake.
Stop.
E-brake.
Keys.
Exhale, inhale, exhale.
It’s okay to be nervous.
You traveled a while to get here.
You & the road.
You were certain back at mile marker 247.
You’re certain now.
Just one foot in front of the other.
Step-step-step-step.
No turning back.
You can only go forward.
Inhale, exhale.
You’ve come this far.