Everyone’s always said that you have a love/hate relationship with New York: you either love it, or love to hate it.
I beg to differ. My two years in NYC were filled with music & laughter, heartbreaks, losses, gains, and the most amazing people I could ask for. While I wasn’t in my element in the City, I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
Some days I miss New York more than most, and when that happens, I turn to the bittersweet melodies of Elbow’s New York Mornings, to remind me of the experiences & love I had for that city.
Dear New York,
You haven’t seen the last of me.
I’ll be back.
So, after my recent lifestyle change from Brooklyn to Kansas City suburbs, I’ve adopted this as my unofficial mantra.
Apparently, at the Grammys (which were last night? Saturday? i have no idea.), everyone was pissed that Beck won best album of the year over the typical radio-saturated artists like TSwift, Beyonce, Childish Gambino, and whoever else the masses are in love with.
Frankly, I don’t give a damn. I like Beck. I like Beyonce. …I don’t really like TSwift, but I respect her as being good at what she does. I’m in love with Childish Gambino (no seriously. Donald Glover…yeah he’s amazing)
Therefore, I’m just going to bring back a timeless classic from the 90s.
Give it up for Beck’s “Loser.”
So, I’ve published my 2015 Goal list. What I haven’t done, is a bit more personal, and I’m going out on a limb to actually publish it on my blog.
To me, goals & wishes are two completely different things. One is a solid, achievable goal- the top rung, the last step, something you can work towards. The other is something so seemingly far fetched, that it’s usually just tucked away on a high shelf, left to gather dust, or to pull down and admire once every few months.
Now, it’s time for my wishes.
- I wish I could be eternally optimistic for myself. I can be the “glass half full” gal 110% for anyone else, but when it comes to my life and personal situations, I’m not even a “glass half empty,” I’m more of a “there’s a crack in the glass and what was once half empty is now dripping onto my pants so it looks like I’ve peed myself” type of girl.
- I wish I was completely in love with my body. Yes, I know that body positivity is all the rage, but let’s face it, it’s a hard concept. I know that I’m in decent shape, but I know that I have a long ways to go before I can be totally satisfied with my physical appearance. When I stand in front of the mirror, I see a muffin top, small boobs, huge thighs, stretch marks and scars, and I’m not proud at all. My most comfortable stance is with my arms crossed tight across my chest, eyes down, brows etched in a scowl. I will do better.
- I wish I could be financially stable.
- I wish I could be brave enough to be comfortable with myself at any phase of my life- whether I’m alone, with someone, or ‘complicated.’
- I wish I could travel at the drop of a hat- to see things I’ll never have the chance to see when I get older.
- I wish I could have a glimpse into what my life will be like in 3 years- 5 years. Hell, it can be a 30 second glimpse, just give me something to look forward to.
- I wish I could learn languages easily.
- I wish math & sciences came to me easily.
- I wish I had more books.
- I wish I had more time.
- I wish I had the power to stop wishing, and be content with what I have. However, that only comes with time, so I may as well start now.
I know I’m a bit late by society’s standards at making a list of “to-dos” for this new year, but I sincerely believe that you shouldn’t make resolutions, life-goals, whatever you may call them, right off the bat. As I do in everything, I ponder, reflect, and plan my next moves for the upcoming year. Too often, New Year’s Resolutions are left in the dust, because people aren’t able to follow through with the list, or because they didn’t truly find things they believed in. Yes, “loosing ___ pounds” is a good goal, but is it actually something you want to do, or are you throwing it out there so you aren’t the only one in your friend group without a Resolution?
Well, by the end of 2014, I was no more than a pile on insecurities held together by whiskey and the arms of my close friends. Bad decisions, shaken confidences, broken dreams and ideals, coming to the end of my rope…things piled up, and I was a bit worse for wear. Essentially, I felt that if life had a yard sale, I’d still be forgotten in the back garage while the chipped kitchen ware and 30-year-old golf clubs could be bought for a dollar. This year is different (I’ll be sold for TWO DOLLARS!! …just kidding), so here they are:
15 for ’15
- I will be at peace with myself (myself meaning: my PRs, my body, my education, my emotions, my everything).
- I will have savings. (With New York inhaling all of my earnings, I’ve found myself with no savings at all. This will change)
- I will be stronger, both emotionally and mentally.
- I will treat my body with respect. It will be clean, healthy, and the strongest it’s ever been.
- I will start savoring memories, not things. I need to reduce my life. I’ve dwelt on meaningless things for far too long. More photos, more writing, less possessions, more space for the people I love & the things that are truly valuable.
- I will read more. Believe it or not, I haven’t finished a book for leisure in some time. (#gradschool)
- I will become less attached to technology, and more attached to the people physically in my life. Let bygones be bygones. Technology keeps strings tied to things that would otherwise be long gone.
- I will travel more. I need to appreciate being young and having time. This is a beautiful country, and a breathtaking world we live in, and I need to see more of it.
- I will become fluent in a language. I don’t have a particular one in mind, but being bilingual is a necessary life skill.
- I will find a job that I love. I will stop looking for “this will work” or “this sounds cool” or “it’s good for now,” and start looking for “I want this” and “I can live here” and “I would kill for this job.”
- I will love me for my own sake. A certain amount of self-love is healthy. Too much is narcissism, yes, but like mom always said, “all things in moderation.” and this is no different. I have skills, memories, traits, unique to only me, and that’s pretty amazing. I need to believe that I am worth something.
- I will spend more time alone. I don’t mean in my room with my computer and iphone and netflix and day-old pizza with Murder, She Wrote reruns, I mean truly alone: myself, my thoughts, peace & quiet, no distractions, just reflection.
- I will pick up a new hobby. Why not?
- I will pick music back up: I’ll sing again. I’ll play the cello again. I’ll pull out my guitar, I’ll dust off my piano sheet music…
- I will live every day to the fullest. No more “accidentally wasted __ hours online” no more sleeping til noon. It’s time I grow up.