Rude awakenings

Do you know what’s worse than heartbreak?
Trust-break.
Imagine:
you’re in a room, surrounded by everyone you trust in your life.
Beaming from ear to ear, you can’t believe how lucky you are, having these people in your life.
Suddenly, the room whirls, and everyone is paired up, doing trust falls. You join them, feeling completely safe in everyone’s arms, knowing they will catch you without a second’s hesitation.
You switch partners, and they grin. “You ready? You trust me right?” They say with a grin.
You nod, laughing, and turn around, throw your arms out wide, surrounded by the sounds & laughter of everyone important in your life, and fall.
And fall,
And fall,
And fall.
With a jolt, you open your eyes, expecting your partner to be standing above you, but they’re nowhere to be seen.
You find them a few feet away, in conversation with others, and despite everything you try, they can’t, or won’t, hear you, as if you were never there in the first place, as if nothing had happened.
You’re left, confused and invisible, in a room that had once felt like the safest place in the world.
Trust-breaks are the rudest of awakenings.

I am.

large

I am tired.
I have been many things:
happy
heartbroken
betrayed
trusting
angry
nervous
broken
excited
adamant
unresponsive
or nothing at all.

I am many things.
Poor
Content
Learning
Fortunate
Friendly
Employed
Insecure
Unsure
Lost
Loud
Saved
a human being.

But for now, I am tired.
I am tired of being a bandage.
I am tired of being unsure.
I am tired of my lack of confidence.
I am tired of my blindness.
I am tired of being let down.
I am tired of letting others down.
I am tired of being the worrier.
I am tired of learning the hard way.
I am tired of being proven wrong.
I am tired.

I wish I could have confidence.
I wish I could be a permanent solution.
I wish I could.

but for now, I am tired.

It’s time

Time to start with the “what ifs” part of my life. 
Until this point, I’ve never had to result to “what ifs.” I always knew my plan. Everything was laid out according to how I’d been predicting since I was in junior high. I’d graduate high school, go to college, get my Bachelor’s in History, have a break year to earn some money, move to the East Coast and get my Master’s in Library Science, find a job, and from there, I didn’t give a fuck what happened. 
However… now I’ve reached the end of my rope. Everything’s checked off, and “graduation day” is marked in my calendar in big, red letters (155 days, although the full commencement ceremony at Radio City Music Hall is Spring 2015). 

now what 

Do I keep applying to jobs for the next 5 months? Do I start expanding my search outside the New York area? If I start looking outside NYC, do I want to stay on the East Coast? Boston? Philly? Am I dead set on museums and archives? What about school libraries? Historical associations? Private libraries & archives? What about the West Coast? Portland? Seattle? I have family in Orange County and LA, or what about Denver? There are so many places I could feasibly live in, but do I want to do that now? Do I want to settle down? Make roots? Should I get a dog? Cut my hair? I really should cut my hair…it’s gross. What about living situations in the future? Roomates? no roommates? Suburbs? apartment? What if I can’t find a job in the next 5 months? How will I pay back school? Sell my hair and go “gifts of the magai” only without the boyfriend?”  Will I have to declare bankruptcy? What about the government? Work for them? The military? Move back home? I don’t really want to move back home…

help.

 

this has been a cyber panic attack